Life vs/via Faith
I am a believer. I have always believed, not just in any higher power but very categorically in God. I am religious and would say that to even call me God-fearing wouldn’t be any kind of a stretch. Yet, despite my firm everlasting faith, even I have had moments of questioning the workings of God. This only occurs when tough times arrive, the times at which one’s faith is supposed to be most resolute and potent. For the most part, that seems to be the point of faith — to have it to cling to, so it can carry you through and out of the tough stuff.
I think there are two kinds of tough times — one in which you understand why things are going wrong and the other in which you haven’t the faintest clue. More often, they’re of the second kind; in which case, believers like myself then turn to hindsight for comfort and validation. It can be argued that hindsight is nothing but a coping mechanism for us, to reaffirm our faith and justify why we had to endure a misfortune despite it. It always follows only after a considerable amount of time has passed and it’s what helps us label and tie our experiences up in neat little bows. But why do even we need this? Because we want to believe that God (or whatever we believe in) loves us and so, would never put us through anything unless it’s for a purpose. And I would say that 8 times out of 10, that is the case.
But what about when it’s not? What about the enigma that all non-believers have questioned for eons — how do people of faith justify things like the suffering of infants in refugee camps, poor people losing the little that they have to war and natural disaster and endless barbaric genocides we see happening all over the world, to name a few? Or even the individual sufferings like the tragic loss of a loved one or a child painfully dying of a terminal illness? Every answer I’ve personally heard so far has always fallen short. If everything that happens is sent your way for a reason by the powers that be, then surely, we’d be able to explain every one of the plethora of atrocities we see in the world?
As a Hindu, hailing from a religion based on reincarnation and that teaches that each soul is born into multiple lifetimes, has been a welcome consolation for me. According to Hinduism, this is to allow us to redeem ourselves for the sins of our past lives so that we become worthy of ascending to Heaven. You can’t know what you did in your previous life, but the fact that you’re here in this one must mean that your duty on Earth is still pending, before your soul can rest eternally in peace. To most people, this might seem macabre. But to me — it’s strangely pacifying and frankly, convenient to be able to assume that a child begging on a street was possibly an axe murderer in a previous life for which he’s now paying the price, bringing his soul a step closer to the Pearly Gates. But not everyone in the world is a Hindu, willing to consider such a concept. So, this can’t be a universal truth, can it? Does one even exist?
In my own life, something terrible happened last week. I’d say it was a few of the worst days I’ve experienced in over a year and considering that calling the last couple of years rough would be an understatement, that’s saying plenty. The highlight is that as a result of all the work I’ve been doing on myself; even through the terror and pain of the situation as it was unfolding, I never lost sight that as horrible as it was, it could still be far worse. And I know without a doubt, that the ability to do that came solely from two things — my faith and consistently practicing gratitude; both working seamlessly with each other. My faith leads me to believe in the goodness that is out there and in practicing gratitude, I notice this goodness, however big or small. The more goodness I remind myself to see, the more strengthened my faith is.
In the past, while I had just as much faith, what was severely amiss from my life was that perspective — that things could be far worse. In no way does this permit anyone to gauge your struggle based on what they deem bad enough, as it is always relative. However, for years, I felt crushed by hardships because I’d begun to feel like they relentlessly followed me, to the point where I’d subliminally expect them. I felt like a victim of my circumstances, even though I’d try my hardest not to. It seemed that no matter what I did, life was an uphill battle that I could never keep up with. Since coming a very long way mentally and emotionally over the last few years, I’ve realised that majority of that was partly a result of my own perception; that that’s just how things worked in my life — a self-fulfilling prophecy, thoughts becoming things, law of attraction, etc. But again — just like hindsight and religion, these are only beliefs. Ideas that we tell ourselves and set in stone to help us decipher how life works and assign some sort of formula to it, to make it navigable. They are not proven or based in fact, yet they keep us going, therefore we believe they cannot entirely be a fabrication. For me, last week was a testament to that. Even through the nightmare, I had an innate awareness that things were not as bad as they could’ve been, and I am certain that that intuitive knowledge was what kept me forging ahead.
But on the other hand, this recent storm awakened me to another reality. For better or for worse, there are no answers. Most tough times I’ve endured in the past — I’ve been able to neatly interpret and set aside as a puzzle piece of my journey. However, with this one — no matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to. I could say that it’s probably too soon and maybe in the future, hindsight will work its magic, to let me make peace with what will then only be a horrible memory. But in this moment, whilst I am still lingering within the experience and aftermath of it, I know that there is no explanation.
To refrain from having an existential crisis as it was happening, I immediately affirmed to myself that it had to happen, to prevent something far worse instead. But I don’t know that for certain at all. And while I do know with conviction, that God got me and my family through it, that is also where the conflict arises. If He got us through it, why bring it upon us in the first place, especially when our plates have already been painfully full? Enter another age-old belief — God does not give you what you cannot handle. No doubt, through handling each hardship, we learn, adapt and grow. But just because we handled it, does that make it all okay? Do hardships quietly exit, after having bestowed only wisdom and experience?
Rarely. They also seize. They damage. And a lot of the time, what is left behind can’t always be restored. The small damages — we endure, overcome and get over. These; we can reconcile, characterise and file away. But it’s the big ones we struggle with — some, for a long time to come and some, forever. So how do I fathom that the God I know to be love and kindness incarnate, could also unleash that kind of damage?
This is what I now believe to be true. Everything that happens in life does not happen for a reason. By all means, a lesson can be found in each experience. But life can and does also just happen to you. With no reason, purpose or spiritual significance — bad things can literally occur out of thin air, because life just happens to you. It happened to me last week just like it does to starving children out there every day. For people like me, it only happens every so often. For people like them, it happened probably from the day they were born and hasn’t stopped since. That is why we call them the less fortunate. That’s all there is to it and maybe that’s the ultimate universal truth.
When I was in high school back in the days of the desktop computer, there was a Microsoft wallpaper on our system at home, that both captivated and terrified me. It was a photograph of the ocean at night, but from under water. Nothing was remotely blue like the ocean normally appears, instead it was an eerie nearly pitch black, except for a vague slither of light at the surface. Every time I looked at that wallpaper, I felt fascination and fear at how vast and impenetrable the ocean truly was. I got the sense that none of us could ever know where it began, ended or what we would encounter in it. Just as it usually is gentle, bright, clear and still at some time of day, I’d never considered that it could also equally be dark, murky, frightening and unpredictable. Exactly like life, as I’ve been reminded often in recent years.
Life is essentially, that ocean. And we are simply floating on it, each of us holding our big bubbles of stuff, that we prize and have varying degrees of control over. I imagine we each carry two bubbles — one that contains our jobs, possessions, money and relationships and the other containing the intangible — our faith, beliefs, hopes, mind and spirit. The first bubble is the one that we most often let dictate our lives — the one we carefully craft and measure our lives by. The second is the one we tend to neglect and that most likely suffers at the cost of the first.
When life shakes things up — in the form of a ripple, an enormous crashing wave or a tsunami; we slip, sink or drown. When life is still and smooth, we float peacefully and flow with the tide. And although, we tend to value our first bubble far more than we do our second, it is only the latter that helps us stay afloat when the ocean starts to stir. No, it cannot stop what’s already coming. But does that imply that what’s in it isn’t valuable, can’t serve us or is not worth our reverence? I don’t think so. In the face of adversity, that second bubble is all we’ve truly got, even when it seems inadequate or like it’s failing us. The rest; we end up having to surrender and let life swallow away or let us keep if and when it pleases. It is beyond our control and begrudging it or attempting to find a mechanism to slot it into will only lead us to call it a day and succumb to the waters. And then we drown anyway.
It goes without saying that surrender is crucial. But, I think knowing what to surrender is equally or sometimes, more important. And I’ve found that it is human nature to be far more inclined to surrender our faith and beliefs, way before we’re willing to release our grip on what’s material. I went years, neglecting my second bubble and clawing at things to stuff into my first, only to learn recently that doing things the other way around is how I’ve started to navigate my ocean better than ever before. And in perceiving life through this analogy, I hope to do even better. When life happens, I can preserve my faith without ever needing to question it. I can remind myself that my life and my faith are separate, albeit intricately intertwined.
Judging the power or purpose of faith based on its ‘returns’ is like going to church and agonizing over why you didn’t see Christ in the flesh. Or like enrolling at school, then complaining you’re not automatically the smartest person there is. We know that that’s not ever what they were for, yet we still sign up; content with what they offer and having no misconceptions about what they don’t.
Maybe this sounds like I’m suggesting we settle and accept that faith has limitations; entirely contrary to what we’ve been taught — that it can cause miracles. In many situations, I am certain that it does. But, instead of pursuing that as part of the package, why not be faithful, embracing what it promises in every situation — strength, solace, hope and refuge? Even if we must then surrender the rest to the inescapability of life, aren’t those benefits worth reaping to whatever extent?
I don’t believe we are the creators of our lives. I believe we can only create our bubbles, with which we journey through life, hoping to encounter only calm seas and smooth sailing. But neither life nor faith promise that to anyone. Life is an entity with its own force. It has never guaranteed us anything — how long we will have it, how it will be and how we should live it. Faith on the other hand, (in addition to the above) does guarantee us some things — we can have it whenever we want it, it will always only serve us and how we practice it is our choice. And that has to be more than enough.
Our hardships are not sent our way by who or what we place our faith in. They show up regardless and having faith to turn to is what helps us stand a chance against them. And still, there will be times that we won’t. Even with the deepest faith, we might still slip, sink or drown. Life will still grab what it has to and return what it wants.
But that that is an inevitability and in fact, an eventuality is perhaps the only other universal truth. The sooner we discern that, the wiser we will be and the further in faith we can travel. So, until life happens again, I will stay floating, clinging to my bubble. And then when it does, because I know that it will, I will trust that faith will carry me as far as I’m meant to go.
